Forever in My Heart

It still seems completely impossible, but one week ago today on June 5, 2012 around 6:15-6:20 a.m. I lost my mother. She passed away last week after an intense battle with Hepatosplenic T-Cell Lymphoma.

Despite her being sick since February, I was not ready for this. She got a cold. The doctors were supposed to just fix her so we could bring her home. There were still so many things left to do.

I need more lessons on how to use the sewing machine she bought me.

We need to go on at least 10 more mother/daughter trips for Mother’s Day.

I need to hear the stories of how Mom & Dad met at least one more time.

I need to (lovingly) call her the “Crazy Lady”

I need to tell her the story of the Beastie Boys and how she called the doctors very bad names multiple times (behind their backs, thankfully)

I need to ask her how to re-pot the plants I got after she died

I need to tell her I love her one more time

I need to hug her with everything I have and tell her just how much she means to me

I need to apologize for all the time I was mad at her for stupid things growing up

I need to thank her for always being there when some stupid boyfriend made me cry for two hours

I need to to tell her just how proud I was to call her my Mom

I need to hear her yell “Jennifer John” when I’m up to no good

I need to go “junkin” with her again

I need to thank her for always being my editor and helping me when that research paper or newspaper article wouldn’t write itself

I need to help her with her last request to just go home (we needed just one more day, Mom, you just didn’t give us enough time!)

Now all I’m left with is far too few memories and a very broken heart. Each day something reminds me of you. Today at the grocery store they gave me one of the Sizzler game tickets. It reminded me of how last year when that contest was running, you sent me a cute little note with all the tickets you had collected.

I went to get a drink this morning and there was the comic strip you sent me just two months ago about the flamingoes in our front yard.

I cleaned out my closet today and I was showered by the handmade scarfs you’ve made me over the past two years.

It’s so hard to comprehend that you were healthy and normal in January and now you are gone.

I hope you are with Daddy now and that you finally got that one last hug you always wanted from him. In the meantime, I’ll be anxiously awaiting mine.

I love you, Mom!
1945 – 2012

10 thoughts on “Forever in My Heart

  • June 14, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Oh, Jen, this is a beautiful post and it made me cry. I am so so sorry for your loss. <>

  • June 15, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Jen, I know there are no words to express that can make you feel better right now, to be honest it never really gets easier, you just learn to live with your loss, I can't tell you how many times I wish I could here my mother's voice over the last twenty-nine years. Somehow when I really need her, she is still there for me, I can hear her guiding me to make the best decisions I can make at the time. Your tribute to your mother is absolutely beautiful, I am sure she was very proud of you and all your accomplishments. You were so blessed to have such a wonderful mother and she a loving daughter!
    Leslie S

  • June 15, 2012 at 2:16 am

    Jen, I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your mom. I just read your post out loud to my husband – it made me cry and I am not a crying kind of person. Your mom was blessed to have you for a daughter.
    Tammy C

  • June 16, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Jen, I'm so sorry. There is never enough time with our loved ones. The sadness, anger and upset hits at the oddest times. Hang in there, let yourself go through what you need to. I've worn the same shoes. Your words are so true and so beautifully written. Please know you're in my thoughts. Let me know if you need help with anything. ~ love, Sarah K.

  • June 18, 2012 at 8:40 am

    So sorry to read of the loss of your beloved mom. Your tribute is very beautiful. She lives on in your heart, and will never be completely gone as long as she lives in your memories.



  • July 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    I am sorry you lost your Mom….my deepest condolences. It really does not seem to matter….long illness, short illness, or all of a sudden, it is always difficult to loose someone so special……and you are right, it is always too soon that they are gone. Your tribute is lovely, a true testament to how special your Mom was to you. But she will live on in your heart. Remember that she is now at peace and hopefully sharing more happy times with your Dad. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • June 6, 2021 at 7:56 am

    Hi Jen, you don’t know me, but I hovered over you when you were a baby. And sorry, I gave you chicken pox. Your mom was not happy at all! You were little, I’m thinking like under a year…you’re welcome for your immunity! When I think of your mom, I remember Elvis, always Elvis, that pot of coffee, tupperware, the clothesline she was always cranking and that she hated the sun! And she laughed a lot. I remember her being kind, patient and putting up with much more than she should have. She was a good person and in the end I hope that’s what I hope others will say about me.

    • June 16, 2021 at 1:07 am

      Hi Candy! I actually do remember you… although it has been a long time! I had no idea about you giving me Chicken Pox — that is funny! Thanks so much for sharing your memories of your Mom with me. You had everything spot on – and reminded me of some things I had forgotten — like that crazy clothesline where she had to practically had to climb out the window to hang clothes on it! Ha! I hope you and the family are doing well. And thanks again for sharing!


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